Harbored Feelings

The Share National Training was amazing - astounding - uplifting.

It was also a time of awakening and realization, for all who were there. We were a small, intimate group able to bond in every way, and - yes - share our losses, experiences, and desires.

I went with a game plan.
Learn about running a support group.
Learn more about different kinds of losses and how to best support them.
Learn about effective communication (read: how to break down the doors of) the hospital.

Here is what I learned:

• The fear of my Rainbow Baby pregnancy is still with me. It never left. It has morphed into fear, anxiety, and uncertainty that I can raise two healthy, happy, well-adusted, compassionate, can-survive-in-this-crazy-world-even-knowing-they-have-a-sister-who-died girls. (I'm attacking this next - be assured)
• I am still angry, bitter - no, devestated that no-one was there in my hospital room after the "diagnosis of death" but before the delivery to guide me, offer choices for memoralizing my Emma. I wish Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep had been called. I wish a camera had been present - period. I wish...I wish... (Doing this for other people repeteadly will take this from me - I know.)

This post is not a pity party. No, I would never use this forum for that. It is an affirmation of my continued grief and love for my baby girl. It is a way I can demonstrate that assimilation of my loss, does not mean that I have accepted it. I will never accept this. Never.

I will, however, use these grief emotions to further our cause. To reach out to more families. To deliver more memory boxes. To offer more choices. To call in more (and better) resources.

Share Southern Vermont is in a better place after this last weekend. Yes, I learned the nitty-gritty stuff about paperwork, support groups and hospital policies - but I learned something more valuable.

Checklists and achieved goals will not make this corporation thrive. My heart, and all its emotions: anger, bitterness, frustration, hope, joy, and rememberance will.

Thanks to all of you who believe. I do.

Laughter and Understanding

Thanks everyone for your ability to laugh with me. The love and understanding I feel through this glossy screen is just amazing.

Now, to get a few bodies in the room - in the state that I live in!

Seriously, I KNOW its coming. This vision is so clear and the need is so great.

Wednesday, I am going through two local towns and distributing the brochures and cards!

So - I bid you adeau until next week's show and tell...

Come on back for ...."The making of a Memory Box!"

In grief and love,
cara

Show and Tell - Beliefs and Realities

SSV's site is a Show & Tell virgin, but it's time has come! With our first meeting under our belt and a HOST of ideas and planning happening - it is time to SHARE with you.

First, let me tell you a few things about my belief system. I believe it is important to:

1. Always be 5 minutes early.

2. Always be well prepared, obsessevily prepared is better.

3. Always bring chocolate when you bring tissues.

4. Always admit your mistakes

5. And - (most importantly) - ALWAYS be able to laugh at yourself

With that said, it's storytime.

"Oh God, please let some people show up. Just a few. A good beginning, core group." I said to myself as I drove to meet the one other bereaved mother I knew was coming. The box shifted in the backseat. It held everything I thought I needed, and more, to run an effective first meeting.

It held the buntings, a small lending library, my binder, Emma's scrapbook, the first memory box, pens, napkins, tissues, parent packets and CHOCOLATE!

We arrived at the gorgeous building that had been erected only two years ago. Wow - we really are so lucky that a meeting room was available. I thought as we walked in the front door at 6:30pm. (meeting started at seven)

"Hi, Can I help you?" the lady at the very formal sliding window asked with a skeptical glance.

"Oh, no thank you" I said "We are with Share - pregnancy and infant loss support. Scott will be meeting us in just a few minutes to show us to our room." He had told me so when I confirmed on Monday.

"Um, Scott?" she said, clearly confused. "We don't have any Scott on staff and I know nothing about your group." Still, and speaks to the work I have done this year, I wasn't panicked - or worried in the least. That is, until she said, "And I do all the room bookings for the whole building."

Are you laughing yet? I did. What else was there left to do?

I micro-managed. I folded brochures. I stuffed parent packets. I created an agenda. I called to confirm. Ah yes - that call.

This is HCRS - The Health Care Rehabilitation Services Center (a state run office)

Nice, huh? Well - it is NOT the building I had been calling.

This is the Health And Rehabilitation Center.

It is GREAT! It is perfect for us! It is where Scott had been waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes.

We rushed over as my prayers did a 180. "Please God, DON'T let anyone else come. Please! Please!" I mean, what could be worse than finding the courage to attend your first support meeting only to arrive at the wrong building and be re-directed across town?

And so, my prayers were answered! My meeting partner and I were the only two. It was a perfect first meeting. We got a great deal done. We began planning our Mother's Day memory walk. We drafted our brochure and cover letter for doctor's offices. And, the best part, we got to know each other even better, sharing more of our loss stories.

And within 48 hours... The flyers were done.
The business cards were done.



And we have begun distrubuting to local offices.

So - let's review:

1. Always be 5 minutes early. (just barely)
2. Always be well prepared, obsessevily prepared is better. (check)
3. Always bring chocolate when you bring tissues. (what do you think was in the plastic bag?)
4. Always admit your mistakes (I just did!)
5. And - (most importantly) - ALWAYS be able to laugh at yourself (I still am, are you?)

I leave you with this:

If you are from the blogosphere - thanks for reading and laughing with me.

If you live locally and plan on attending the group someday - know that I will never have expectations of you. Clearly - I have no right - as I can't even call the right number! I WILL, however, always be early, set up and ready with tissues and chocolate.

But, please, come to the Springfield HEATH AND REHABILITATION CENTER at 105 Chester Rd. for I WILL NOT be at the HCRS building - again- looking sheepishly at a phone book where a four letter word, or lack there of, sent me uptown when I should have been down.

A Born Leader

That is what everyone used to say to me. And - with good reason. I was born with leadership qualities!

• I organized the library in my room in alphabetical order at 9 years old. Then created a pre-excel spreadsheet just in case you decided to check one out.
• I was the kid all other kids nominated to do stuff (probably because they didn't want to do it themselves - but hey, I got a reputation)
• I made my own Babysitter's Club Activity Travel Box. (ok maybe that is more nerdy than leadership)
• I attended the Governer's Institute over the Summer!
• I was the chosen state delegate for HOBY - (Hugh O'Brian's Youth Leadership Foundation) [Remember Wyatt Earp?]
• Ect., ect., ect.

This not an excerpt from my resume, well at least not my current one, but a way to demonstrate that I have never feared leadership roles. I embraced them.

But tonight I am nervous. 48 hours from now I will be sitting in a room with other bereaved mothers facilitating a communication session that is supposed to make them feel like they accomplished something by coming. The optimal result is someone walking out the door thinking, This is something I am going to do for myself every month because I need to - because it feels good to sit with other people who know this kind of pain.

I read the guidbook. I copy and organize papers - packet for new participants, website information and literary resources. But, no amout of preparedness or strong-arming leadership will gain me that result.

It is time to have faith in the process, yet again. It is time to accept that whatever happens in that room, I can handle it.

A few words of encouragement wouldn't be discouraged. And, if you feel like feeding the "need-to-control" beast and have attended a Share meeting before, comment with your advice on what worked for you, what didn't, and what you always hoped to see in the future.

In grief and love (and faith!)

Cara